Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Passport for my baby Thug

I had to get a passport for my baby so that we can travel to Australia in the summer for a wedding. Does anyone else think it's completely bizarre that your baby needs a passport, particularly one with a picture? My baby looks like a different human being from week to week due to rather extraordinary growth and weight gain. How many of you could double your weight in 12 weeks and still be recognizable in a passport photo?

And that's not even the stupidest thing. There are rules about your baby's photo--they can't be smiling, their eyes need to be open, and they have to be looking directly at the camera. Now who has a spare 6 hours to actually get such a picture? But rules are rules so I took my baby to get photographed.

I was instructed to prop my baby up on my knee so that he would be completely upright, but my hand wasn't allowed to show in the picture so I was supposed to unsnap the bottom of his sleeper and put my hand underneath like a  puppet master. Unfortunately I had him dressed in a sleeper with a zipper up the front so that didn't work. Instead we had to undo the zipper, do up the single snap at his neck, then wrap both my arm and the baby in a fuzzy brown blanket. The result is a truly ridiculous photo in which my baby appears to be wearing some kind of fur cape and is sporting a double chin and a stunned expression. He looks like a  mob boss with a twinkie addiction. I've taken dozens of adorable pictures of my baby and yet somehow the passport people managed to get a truly horrible one. It goes to show that even the cutest of subjects don't fare well in government documents.

I can also imagine what's going to happen when I try to get my baby on the plane with his passport.

Attendant looks at passport: "Are you sure this is your baby?"
"Yes"
"Really?"
"Yes"
"Because I could swear this is a picture of that gangster who's wanted in that Victoria Day triple homocide."
"Yeah, it does look a bit like that guy, but really, it's my baby"
"We're going to have to search your bags....WHOA what is this?"
"That's a breast pump"
"Are you sure it's not a weapon of mass destruction?"
"Yes"
"It has an awful lot of wires sticking out of it"
"Yes, I know, but I swear it's an implement to forcibly suck milk out of my breasts so I can feed my baby"
"And you're sure you're baby's not a gangster?"
"Yes"
"Could you please step into this back room, strip down, and prepare for your cavity search?"

THE END